By Zeus! Moles are fucking useless wastes of space; send us your stories and opinions about them being shit, would you.

Before heading out for a night on the town with my girlfriends I asked my Mere Mole’s opinion on my outfit. “Looks fine to me,” he shrugged indifferently before turning back to the television. Imagine my horror when my gal pals later pointed out that I was wearing a Nazi SS uniform and I recalled that my MM’s eyes were vestigial organs phased out by natural selection and therefore his opinions on visual stimuli were essentially meaningless. Needless to say the drinks were on me that night – quite literally!

Ms. Robyn Cock

Being a keen amateur cook I asked my MM what I should make for the church fundraiser. He eagerly recommended a dish of underground invertebrates such as grubs and earthworms, paralysed by saliva and served raw. I readily took his advice as I am a Satanist.

Mrs. Judith Wobbegong

For the hundredth time, I asked my Mere Mole to clean the guttering around the house and he reluctantly waddled outside to perform his duty. When he’d still not returned over an hour later I went outside and discovered to my dismay that he was dead and being eaten by magpies and the gutters were still filthy.

Mrs. Bernadette Cunt

When my MM heard that Will and Jada Smith were divorcing he exclaimed that he “Couldn’t believe his ears!” I quickly put him in his place by reminding him that he had none.

Mrs. Dotty Scum

My Mere Mole has always been quite proud of his genus (Scaptochirus moschatus) and was boasting at length of the fact at a dinner party with some friends. After dinner we turned on the television to see a report that his species had been declared a pest by the Chinese Government and would be subject to extensive eradication. I’ve never seen him change the channel faster! Moles! Can’t live with them (as they live underground), can’t live without them (as they are vermin)!

Ms. Amanda Quartz-Schist Subgrade