Life Think #72: Flanlol

December 15, 2009

I bought a flannel shirt the other day. I think the worst thing about growing up during the grunge era must have been the chafed nipples.


“Pretty convenient.”

“My keys are right here. Look.”

“I’m married now. Your mother doesn’t care.”

“You can borrow it if you ever go travelling. This is where the passport goes.”

“I don’t need to impress you or your friends.”

“I know fashion, believe me. Have you seen the photo albums?”

“Nobody even notices it.”

“See how quickly I just answered my phone?”

“Have you heard of anyone’s wallet being pick-fannypacked?”

If I was Christine Anu’s mother I’d be grateful for the apostrophe in the grammatical possessive case.

Q: What did the obsessive-compulsive photocopier repairman say to the careless executive?
A: “Get your fax straight!”

Completely Unacceptable Things (things which are completely unacceptable)

All-day Breakfast

Exactly what kind of clientele are you trying to attract with this insane offer, you insalubrious café-owner? The only people who want a full English breakfast at 8pm are confused and jetlagged tourists or psychopaths. “But, Andy,” I hear you whine, “I love some ham and eggs when the midnight hour strucketh twelve.” Well, I have just three shouted words for you, hypothetical and slightly archaic naysayer. Socially acceptable quiche! Wait…no…that’s not right…quiche my arse!!

Inspirational Back Tattoos

Stop inspiring me with your pimply, freckled back! L. Ron Hubbard put backs on the back for a reason. Who are these pithy axioms for? Me? You? You are aware you’ll never be physically capable of reading it? Ever. Oh, perhaps one day some refractive Einstein will work out some mirror configuration which enables you to read your own back in moments of self-doubt, but until then the only back-related reflection that will be going on will be behind the rolling eyes of passers-by, wondering how anyone could be so daft.

Political Graffiti in an Alleyway

Don’t get me wrong, I’m all for stickin’ it to the man, but exactly what type of coterie are you attempting to attract to your political viewpoint here? Garbage collectors? Cats? Disoriented motorists? It’s like putting a petrol station in a cul-de-sac or the Woman’s Day in the frozen food aisle. No-one’s buying it. So put down your book on Marxist economic theory and pick up the textbook “Foot traffic: A beginner’s guide”.

Asserting Copyright on this Picture of a Stickman

I respect artists and intellectual property as much as the next man (i.e. not at all), but not if that next man happens to be a horribly-drawn, poorly-centred stickman. Hey, I can understand your eagerness to protect the copyright on something I could whip up myself in MsPaint in under three seconds, but I refuse to forgive your inconsistent use of pen weights.