Opinions are like onions. Seriously, there’s only like two letters difference.


When it comes to treating my loved ones I’m like Ellen: De Generous. But I also enjoy the simpler pleasures in life. Walks in the park. Giggling at ducks. Downloading the latest podcast of the Gruen Transfer directly to my iPhone, then, post-viewing, using the Safari browsing capabilities on said iPhone to view the segment cut from said podcast, due to a possible breach of broadcasting standards. Nevertheless, I also relish slightly more complicated ponderings. Such as, what would happen if Groucho Marx had written “Das Capital”? What if Graeme Kennedy had been shot in the head in Dallas? What if the entire staff at Churchill Guitars of Mt. Pleasant, Victoria, had used their savvy axe-knowledge and friendly customer service to defeat Adolf Hitler in 1945? What if? What if? What if? Ctrl-V?

*Cut to Neil Armstrong, wearing his spacesuit, singing in a shabby nightclub.*

I see dust of grey
Craters of grey
Rocks of grey

And I think to myself: What a reasonably alright moon

I see Buzz playing golf
Saying “We should probably go soon”
He’s really saying “Um, let’s leave the moon.”

*Life Think abandoned due to the punchline actually being at the start rather than the end*

Q: What did Jesus say to the offended Philistine?

A: I’m only “Jew King”!

Hat’s All Folks! was a seminal rockumentary about the clandestine hat-blocking movement of the late 70s and early 80s. Due to fears that the film would make the participants look like “curled-brim loving pussies” (actual text from the court injunction) the general release of the film was frozen in a lopsided settlement. The film may only be shown on the 29th of February to an audience wearing hats with artificial hands on top that clap with the use of a pull-string. Presented here, for the first time, is a short transcript taken directly from the film:

Henry Rollins (Black Flag):

Those were some crazy days, man [shaking head]. Crazy days. Sex, drugs and hat-blocking!

Jello Biafra (Dead Kennedys):

Panamas, Fedoras, Stetsons, Beaver Fur. We did it all [laughing and pointing off camera]. We fucking did it all, man!

Ian Mackaye (Minor Threat):

I’ll never forget one night at CBGBs Greg Ginn stumbled into the room—so drunk he could hardly stand. He got up on stage and measured, trimmed and resized a Cloche in under thirty seconds and then left the room again without a word. The crowd just went wild. Of course, then the fucking cops showed up.

H.R. (Bad Brains):

The cops were a constant problem [Long drag from joint]. They had their hats professionally blocked in Europe and just thought we were some delinquent, punk kids who wanted to cause trouble in the hat scene.

Keith Morris (Circle Jerks):

Sure, we took shortcuts. I don’t apologise for that. Sometimes I’d just cut the brim to a standard width, fold it over and sew it as is. But Lee Ving from Fear, man, that guy scared me. [cut to pixelated footage of Ving on stage irresponsibly blocking a hat using his own head]

Henry Rollins (Black Flag):

Touring was hard. It was hard. I mean, 8 guys in a van, steaming equipment, wooden moulds and blocks. Driving 150 miles to block some hats in Bumsville, Nowheretown. It was rough.

Terri Chapstick (Hat-Blocking Groupie):

Tight hats were in at the time. But of course my dad would never let me out of the house in one of those. So I’d sneak out in a loose fitting casual felt bowler and me and my boyfriend at the time would reblock it in an alley behind the venue. Those sorts of hats just give me headaches these days!

Glenn Danzig (The Misfits):

[Sitting on a floatation device in a hat-shaped pool] At the time I don’t think we realised how political the movement was, but we were violent and disenfranchised and I think that came across in the hat-blocking.

Jello Biafra (Dead Kennedys):

If you look back all these guys in power at the time [starts counting of on fingers] Reagan, Bush…[long pause] you know, all these guys…Thatcher. None of them wore hats. None of them. So this was our way of sticking up our middle finger and saying [air quotes] Fuck you, you fucking hatless pricks [close air quotes].

H.R. (Bad Brains):

Things started to die down around ’86.

Ian Mackaye (Minor Threat ):

Something changed, I don’t know exactly what it was. People started using sequins, bedazzlers—no subtlety, no artfulness. Some started setting straw hats using artificial polymers. That’s when I knew I had to get out.

Buddy Roberts (Promoter):

For me it ended on an October night in 1986 when I saw TSOL come on stage at the Viper Room and sew together a novelty size baseball cap in 45 minutes. That was it for me; I knew it was all over.

If you had a wandering eye and a lazy eye would they cancel each other out?

Definition of incommodious: Being caught looking up incommodious on dictionary.com shortly after using it in conversation.

(P.S I found the above photo by typing “photo of a surprised or embarrassed little girl in a lace dress with pink flowers in her hair standing by a wrought iron rail and covering her mouth circa 1900” into Google Image search (try it at home))

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This week Boy from Oz, Hugh Jackman, has been doing us proud, producing stools of the earthiest brown, filling the bathroom with a milieu of odours – from the humble spruce to the exotic Indian shit tree. Darest I requisition me a sample?

Kate Hudson’s haemoglobin is back to pre-Doherty levels! Spotless! Fans of walking-down-posing-then-walking-back-again will be breathing a sigh of relievement!

I do declare 2008 the year of the double mastectomy! With Christina Applegate finally taking the plunge, Angelina Jolie can’t be far behind!

On this day in 1939 Mae West was not feeling the Mae Best! She was suffering from a bout of the gastro, evacuating the foulest pongs from her bumgut, causing then-husband, Frank Wallace, to hurl a decanter of whisky into the fire! That’s Hollywood for you!

David Duchovny has a sex-addiction! Idiosyncratic! More like the XXX-files! More like the Sex-files! More like the truth is down there! More like Californication! He really is doing a disservice to his namesake King David from a little book I like to call the Bible!

Swimmer Nich D’arcy’s minders tell me that his fists are healing nicely and soon he’ll be fighting fit! Watch out, Dawn Fraser! I’ve been on the receiving end of a bit D’arcy chin music myself and it ain’t fun! Jane Austentatious!

Would it kill Robert Smith from the Cure to lose a few pounds? More like Lovefats! He is in danger of developing diabetes!

Next month: Exclusive!!! Pics of John Laws’s distended prostate from his previous rectal exam!

Possibly offensive: What do you get when you combine lettuce, chicken, croutons and strobe lights? Seizure Salad.

Blenders actually blend counter-clockwise in the northern hemisphere.