Life Think #63: Train Station of the Week

Wyong
Etymology: Combination of “Why so glum?” and “What’s wrong”.

With an aerial concourse, three spacious pre-cast concrete platforms and overhead canopies reminiscent of Fritz Lang’s neo-industrial nightmare Metropolis it’s not difficult to see why Wyong maintains its lofty status as station de jour.

“It’s funny, you know,” says station master Bobby Iambivic, “Commuters travel to all corners of the CityRail network but they all seem to return here eventually.” This is never truer than in the P.M. peak, when the station’s fluorescent lighting and unreliable power supply combine to create an outlandish spectacular, which has even the most discerning epileptics foaming at the mouth for more.

“It has no ticket barriers!” screams depressed local Steven Simms, before hurling himself off the overbridge and landing on the tracks below.

But it’s not all good news: The station is nay impossible to access for the wheelchair-bound making it a veritable Mecca for bigots and charlatans alike. The over 30cm difference between train floor and platform levels often yields the tragicomedic sight of an unsuspecting disabled tumbling violently out of the train, the pathos made more acute by the proximity of the nearby portable wheelchair ramps, locked up and completely inaccessible (a microcosm of the station which surrounds it).

Peter McCallum, senior theatre reviewer for the Sydney Morning Herald, put the station in its full historical context three years ago with a typically caustic review:

“First I need to be honest and say that I found Wyong Train Station the vilest thing I have experienced. Not on account of its garish motif, but because of the hectoring stereotype in the design which left no space to preserve one’s own inner perspective as a viewer. Others had a different view.
Distinguished railway hobbyist, the late Andrew McCredie, for example, placed the station in the context of the European polystylism and Antonin Artaud’s theatre of cruelty.
It’s difficult to be so generous when one has been visually and psychologically raped, both figuratively and literally, for I left this station understanding exactly why almost half the northbound trains terminate here, for I was nigh on the precipice of terminating myself.

Readers must make up their own minds but for me, I would just say no.
No stars, that is.”

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If you have a station that you would like reviewed, please get in touch.

Life Think #62: Maximum Security Prism

High-schoolers: If you are described as a “square”, don’t be too concerned. If you are called a “rhombus” start to worry. This more complex polygon, plus the additional syllable, suggests you have also alienated your more intelligent peers.

Life Think #61: Get Orwell Soon

My mother always said I was a bit of a talented writer. Which writer and what bit exactly I am unsure. I am leaning, however, towards Orwell’s knees (as, indeed, Orwell himself regularly did just prior to his death from tuberculosis in 1946).

Life Think #60: My baby just altered a letter

Letters are important. Imagine ordering tickets to the cotillion from a box of ice. Or cooling your iced tea in a box office? It wouldn’t work, and I was a fool to try. So what would happen to our most beloved reality television if you were to simply change a letter?

So You Think You Can Lance?

Episode 1: “Joust Challenge”. Episode 2: “Boils! Boils! Boils!”. Episode 3: “The Guy From Neighbours (i.e. can you be him?)”

The Biggest Hoser

Contestants are challenged each week to extinguish a small containable grease fire using hoses of various gauges and pressures.

Veal or No Veal?

Vegans must chose the faux-leather briefcase from a line up of genuine leather briefcases.

Life Think terminated due to back pain

Life Think #59: Global Funancial Crisis

e-rony: http://www.unemployed.com is working

Life Think #58: Bottom 8 proposed introductions to the soap opera “Days of our Lives”

1. “Like sand through the hourglass, so are the days of our lives.”

2…

…1345. “Like a robot dolphin through this flaming hoop, so are the days of our lives. Freaking sweet.”

1346. “Very much like this well [show picture of an ancient wishing well with Leprechaun standing near it], this show is going very well; very much like the days of our lives.” [this last bit should be said in an Irish accent]

1347. “Like jogging with your underwear full of sand in a metaphorical triathlon from hell, so are the days of our lives.”

1348. “See all this stuff on last year’s calendar? Most of these were the days of our lives. I should really throw this out.”

1348. “I’m pretty sure these are the days of our lives. Or is it these? Wait, let me get my glasses.”

1349. “Hey, who didn’t wipe their feet and dragged sand into the house? Oh, it was the days of our lives.”

1350. “Yeah, that pile of timber and rubbish over there. Yeah. Next to that, that’s where I last saw the days of our lives, officer.”

1351. “Like the battery power on my Casio watch, so are the days of our lives. You can’t buy these damn batteries anymore either so it’s even more apt.”

Life Think #57: Rashernal

Do you think Kevin Bacon impersonators are called Kevin Facons?

Life Think #56: Swine Flute

Life is like a flute. Long, hollow, annoying and both involve breathing.

Life Think #55: Alternatives to “Sgt. Pepper’s Lonely Hearts Club Band”

• Specialist Senior Airman Bay Leaf’s reticent Intestines Band

• Master Gunnery Sergeant Basil’s isolated Prostates Club Band

• Fleet Admiral Peppercorn’s unescorted Wombgroins Club Band

• Senior Chief Petty Officer Cayenne Pepper’s forsaken pituitary glands Club Band

• Commandant of the Coast Guard Cumin’s companionless Gall bladders Club Band

• Chief Warrant Officer Curry Powder’s barren Ovaries Club Band

• Private First Class Dill’s widowed Pancreas Club Band

• Chief of Naval Operations Nutmeg’s cast off Livers Club Band

• Rear Admiral Oregano’s introverted Testicles Club Band

• Colonel Commander Rosemary’s desolate Brains Club Band

• Brigadier General Sage’s abandoned Spleens Club Band

• 2nd Lieutenant Ensign Thyme’s solitary Pancreas Club Band

Life Think #54: Canoe Believe it?

I love the Olympics. It’s the only time I can legitimately use the phrase: “canoeing glory”.